People traumatized by sudden divorces Serenity Strull/ BBC/ Getty Images Eve Simmons had been in a romantic relationship for eight and a half years and married for six months when her husband placed a plate of pasta on the table in front of her, accompanied by the phrase "I'm not happy." It was completely unexpected. A few days later, he said he didn't want to try to save the marriage. 📱Bookmark g1 on Google and follow the main news of the day According to Simmons, it was a "brutal separation." There are countless threads on Reddit and other online forums with similar stories about ex-spouses who claim to have experienced an "abrupt divorce." This is sometimes called "sudden divorce syndrome." But, in the opinion of experts, what are the reasons that lead a spouse to suddenly want a divorce, and what can a sudden separation tell us about the state of modern love and relationships? See g1's trending videos Now on g1 The shock of a sudden separation Adam Davis (whose real name has been withheld for privacy reasons) had been with his wife for 10 years and married for four years when she left home one morning to go shopping and never returned. Concerned about her whereabouts, Davis contacted police, who confirmed she was safe and well, but said she had no intention of contacting him. Several weeks later, he received divorce papers in the mail. "There was no explanation, there was no closure, there was no goodbye," he says. Davis began showing signs of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) when his wife left him. "I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat... I couldn't concentrate on work. I had difficulty carrying out daily tasks, like getting out of bed in the morning or simply taking a shower and brushing my teeth," he says. After the initial shock passed, "the grief arrived. Because then it started to get real, that she was gone." Davis fears his sudden divorce will have a lasting impact on him and his future relationships — and even ordinary friendships. "I've never had a breakup that was so traumatic, it left me feeling like I couldn't trust people anymore," he says. "I go out with friends and feel socially inadequate. It's really affected my self-esteem... I feel like I'm always doubting people's intentions and motivations now." Experts suggest that our personality and attachment styles may lead some people to end their marriages suddenly. Serenity Strull/ Getty Images/ BBC Simmons says the shocking part of their divorce was that "there was no willingness to work through it, to heal the wounds or even to discuss what could be saved." This raised the question: what is the point of marriage? "You think you're in the safest, most stable position of your life, and then everything is ripped out from under your feet without warning," says Simmons. Why a Sudden Divorce Can Happen First, it's important to highlight that there can be many legitimate reasons why a partner might leave a relationship unexpectedly — such as abuse or coercive control. In secure, non-threatening marriages, however, personality and attachment styles (the way people act and feel in relationships) can explain why some people are more likely to leave their spouse without warning or reason. "You know, there are certain personality profiles that may be more susceptible to making these decisions... [like] not being willing to compromise," says Jeffry Simpson, professor of psychology at the University of Minnesota in the US. Some research suggests that both anxious attachment (in which a person fears separation or abandonment from their partner) and avoidant attachment (in which a person seeks emotional distance or fears being trapped in a relationship) negatively affect the cognitive, emotional, and behavioral aspects of relationship quality. Other research suggests that people with avoidant attachment styles are more likely to seek alternative partners or engage in infidelity. "One of the things we've seen in some of our work is that people with avoidant attachment to their partners tend not to communicate directly or effectively, and sometimes to make simplistic decisions," Simpson adds. READ ALSO Live kidney transplantation performed by robots is performed for the first time in Latin America; see details Why do women live longer than men? On the other hand, a person with a secure attachment style (someone who feels trust and security in relationships and confidence in their own abilities), Simpson says, is "much less likely to simply end the relationship without trying to improve it or at least letting their partner understand why." However, in a way, "many divorces are sudden, because we simply can't predict them very accurately", says Galena Rhoades, professor of psychology at the University of Denver, in the USA, and co-author of the book Fighting For Your Marriage ("Fighting for your marriage", in free translation). "[Divorce] is rarely, unfortunately, a mutual decision." There is still no data or research on sudden divorces, and ultimately, each relationship and its circumstances are unique. However, research on divorce in general can help clarify the consequences of an unexpected separation and how to deal with them. The impacts of divorce Currently, divorce rates among young and middle-aged adults have declined over the past few decades in the U.S. — although "gray divorce" rates, for couples ages 50 and older, have increased. However, couples are getting married later than ever, or not getting married at all. The number of single-parent families has increased, as has the number of children born out of wedlock. It's fair to say that perspectives on marriage and long-term relationships have changed significantly since the end of the 20th century. For most people, marriage is no longer expected, but rather a choice. Still, divorce—any divorce, not just a sudden divorce—can affect people in many ways. Overall, women face greater post-divorce disadvantages than men—such as decreased income, housing problems, social pressures, and primary or sole responsibility for child care (despite more women balancing careers and motherhood, women contribute 35% more to child care than mothers did in the 1960s—even those who earn more than their husbands.) Divorced women can suffer from mental health problems, including stress related to child custody. For women in same-sex marriages, recent research suggests that material losses after divorce may be smaller. For men, the risks are subtly different, studies show. Research shows that while men are more likely to recover financially after a divorce than women, they tend to be less wealthy than men who stay married. Men may also face a higher risk of serious health problems after divorce compared to women. Their mental health risks include a higher risk of suicide after marital separation compared to married men and women. Men are generally more likely than women to depend on their spouses for intimacy, social support, and relationships with friends and family, which can put them at risk for social isolation after divorce. The shock of a sudden divorce can be difficult to process and leaves no room to prepare for the mental and practical consequences. Serenity Strull/ Getty Images/ BBC "Women are relationship-oriented, meaning they tend to maintain and form new friendships with strong emotional connection," says Rhoades. "Men are more likely to experience emotional or social difficulties because they do not have the same interpersonal or social resources that women tend to have." For women, a sudden divorce can be particularly surprising because of the role they play in romantic relationships, Rhoades says. "Women often end up taking on the role of initiating conversations—almost as barometers of how the relationship is going...that's why a sudden divorce, especially from a husband, can be surprising, because women are very aware of the balance of the relationship or how things are going for each partner," says Rhoades. In cases of sudden divorce, having less time — or no time at all — to prepare for the separation can also make it difficult to face the practical consequences, such as having to find a new home, but also the psychological consequences of the shock. Davis says that, after the initial shock wore off, he began to feel intense sadness — and the lack of closure made everything more painful. To save himself from the "abyss of despair," he began exercising and eating well. Eve took refuge on her mother's couch and had the support of friends and family. They both also sought out therapists to help them deal with the emotional fallout from their divorces. Reflecting on their respective marriages, both Simmons and Davis concluded that there were differences in their communication styles. "Like a lot of relationships, we had problems," says Simmons. "It wasn't perfect, because relationships aren't... it wasn't smooth sailing. And we had been together for a long time, since our early twenties," says Simmons. Eli Finkel, professor of social psychology at Northwestern University in the US, says the current state of marriage in the US is "a mix of good and bad." In his book, The All or Nothing Marriage, he argues that the change in our expectations and beliefs about marriage has had two consequences. "First, it has made marriage more fragile. Many of us are disappointed with a level of marital connection that would have been entirely sufficient for our grandparents," he says. "But second, it has made the best marriages better than ever. We aspire to connect on a deeper psychological level than in previous times, and the marriages that live up to those aspirations are deeply fulfilling." Interestingly, an analysis of survey data published by the Pew Research Center in November 2025 showed that high school students in the US are less likely today to say they want to get married — with 67% of the country's 17-18 year olds saying they will choose to get married one day, down from 80% in 1993. Boys are more likely to say they will get married than girls. Finkel takes a cautious approach when interpreting gender differences in relation to marriage and divorce, as the reasons for the divergence are not entirely clear. "My reading of the evidence is that women are much more likely than men to initiate divorce," says Finkel. "There is a lot of speculation about what drives this gender gap, but I don't feel confident in saying that any of it has particularly strong support. " Do modern relationships explain sudden divorce? In the Western world, people have an abundance of options, which has certainly changed the trajectory of modern love and marriage. Take dating apps for example, which have increased the accessibility of casual sexual relationships. Its popularity has coincided with the change in the average age of marriage and people's desire to build a career before settling into a stable relationship. Although the number of dating app users has declined, it is still high — in the UK, it is estimated that there will be 12 million dating app users by 2028. The majority of the global dating app industry's revenue comes from the US, with three in ten American adults saying they have used a dating app. In Brazil, the number of dating app users is expected to continue to grow, rising from 16.7 million in 2023 to 18 million in 2028, according to projections from the data platform Statista. Dating apps can lead to "choice paralysis" or "overwhelm" as users are exposed to an "abundance" of potential partners. While this abundance may give the impression that a person is more likely to find a partner, research suggests that it may actually have the opposite effect — making people more likely to remain single. American psychologist Barry Schwartz wrote about this paradox and why more is less. More options do not equal more freedom, he argues in his book. Instead, he says that people may feel more responsibility and guilt if they are dissatisfied with a choice they have made. In the modern dating world, the abundance of perceived potential partners can lead to 'choice paralysis' Serenity Strull/ BBC/ Getty Images There is also a phenomenon called alternative monitoring. "The more you think about alternatives, whether it's a past love, someone at work you're attracted to, or, these days, the availability of other potential partners, the harder it can be to commit to the relationship and put in the work that long-term relationships require," says Rhoades. Research suggests that alternative monitoring precedes both breakups and infidelity. Of course, this can also lead to a reluctance to commit—hence the "fear of labeling" and the use of terms like "casual relationships" (a vague and ambiguous romantic or sexual relationship that doesn't involve commitment). “There seems to be this throwaway culture,” says Simmons. "[The idea that] I've been with someone for a long time, but there will be something better soon, something very easy to achieve, that will require minimal effort and will solve all my problems." "I don't know if that's partly due to dating app culture [or] also the influence of social media, because we're in this [state of] constant consumption," she says. Ultimately, relationships require work, commitment, and effort. "Happy relationships don't come out of nowhere," adds Finkel. “They require an intelligent investment of time, attention and resources,” he says. And for those in love, not all is lost. A recent large study across 90 countries showed that people still value romantic love when considering a long-term relationship, including in countries where arranged marriages are still common. The study found that romantic love functions as a commitment mechanism — meaning it is "universally perceived" as a force that encourages people to cultivate commitment in their relationships. Life after a sudden divorce Davis is still going through the divorce process and trying to move on. "I have no hope of reconciliation," he says. Although he can speculate and consider the reasons why his wife might have wanted a divorce, he has not yet received an explanation from her. Simmons is now in a happy relationship and recently gave birth. Looking back, she says there were signs that she and her ex-husband weren't very compatible. But that's easy to say after the fact. She ended up writing a book inspired by her sudden divorce called What She Did Next, in which she spoke to dozens of men and women who had gone through similar experiences. "In every case I've come across, without a doubt, the person who was taken by surprise classified [what happened] as the best thing that ever happened to them... In the end, they got everything they ever wanted," says Simmons. "Relationships don't always work out, and that's okay."